Giving up and trying to move on

So I see that it's been awhile since I last posted anything on here, but at this time I do feel so inclined to share what's going on in my life right now. I'm currently struggeling with the dating scene and what an unpleasant experience that is. I've recently broken things off with Anna and have rejoined the ranks of return missionaries who are single and way to old for anyones good. I really would like to say that she could have been what I was looking for and that I was in love with her but such was not the case. Sadley my heart was stuck in other places and I just could not become interested in Anna beyond just a pleasant friend despite all of the wonderful qualities that she possessed. There were a few red flags though on top of my failing interest and I felt it better to end things now rather than prolong the pain. So here am I still heart broken from Brooke and feeling miserable that I had to hurt Anna, I wish I could be somebody else at this time or have the answers.

With the heart ache and the dispairing feelings that I may never find love there has been a silver lining. This trouble has forced me to reflect on who I am and where i'm at with my life. It's forced me dig deep into myself and go to the source of comfort that I believe in. Not since my mission 10 years ago have I felt the overwhelming drive to rely entirely on the lord and turn it all over to him. I feel like I need a miracle in my life to get over this deep melancholy I find myself in as well as to be able to find a wife that I can love with everything. I've been attending the temple a couple of times a week and fasting everyweek looking for comfort, peace, and direction. The Lord has not abandoned me and i'm immensly grateful for that. It was in the temple this past week grasping for anything from my Father in Heaven when I got the profound impression that I needed to change a lot of things in my life. Honestly at this time in my life I feel so desperate for a direction that I'm willing to give up anything in order to get the break that I need and that's what I considered when I was impressed that it was time for me to give up video games.

Anyone who knows me will know how much I love to play video games and how large the portion of my life they impact. I imagine me giving up video games will be something nearly akin to having dad give up horses, or at least that's how big I feel this is for me.

 Having this impression as strong as I did I decided to see it through and made a covenant with the Lord that if I was to give these all up that he would grant me the miracle of a wife. This may seem like a joke to many but for me I feel like I'm putting an equal sacrifice on the alter to give up what I want now for what I desire more than anything else in the world. This with increased temple attendance, fasting, prayer, and scripture study is what I feel I need to do. Like I mentioned before not since my mission have I felt such a drive to align my life with God. And I guess it's the pain and humility of a broken heart that I have to thank for being the catalyst in helping turn my life to the lord.

Miserable though I am I feel like at least the lord has given me a purpose and job...so that I can occupy and improve myself as I wait for that one miracle. In this pain there is also a minor under current of peace flowing along in knowing that I'm doing the best that I can and the rest is just going to have to be on the Lord.

Never enough time to do all the nothing you want

It's sunday evening and I just wanted to post a little something on here and catch up with all of my siblings wonderful blogs. I wish I had some great or interesting life changing thing in my life at this point in time with which to report to all of my readers. I guess I can only announce the opposite, in a sense I'm just laying on a grassy hillside happily watching the clouds of life lazily drift overhead. Summers been fun but it's almost over.
I'm reminded of my favorite comic Calvin & Hobbes, to Calvin it seems like summer has flashed by and sadly it's already nearing its end and soon he has to return to school and responsibility never having accomplishing all the nothing he wanted to accomplish.

Calvin said it best

 Much to my own dismay, summer has and is going by way to fast for my own liking.  I guess I've been having to much fun avoiding life and responsibility this summer which is reminiscent of magical summers from my past when I had to attend dreaded elementery school at summers close. Now that the good summer days are coming to a close I have to force my self to start looking to some kind of future again as much as a bummer as that is for me at this time. As I think about it I can only laugh at myself, I'm nearly 28 and only seem to be going backwards with my Calvin like mindset of life in only wanting to play and be free to run wild. Despite all my anxeities I'm as happy and content as I've ever been in life and I'm so blessed to have so much in life. Everything always works out, generally not how we want or plan but I know they always do.

Boots and Sunsets

New boots a point of much excitment for me

Just finished reading many of the families blog posts and I feel greatly inspired to get back on here and post something new. I'm always impressed by the wonderful experiences you guys have to post and by how blessed we all are. How you all always are able to write such great posts blows me away too, as I feel that mine are nowhere near as good and as creative. But nonetheless here is my little piece and perspective of life and the world.

 Things continue to roll along here in Fort Sill as I near the end of my advanced training period. This is officially the last week of my classroom training and only 4 days of it as the upcoming holiday is going to give us a 4 day weekend which we're all eagerly looking forward too. The week after this I get to be out in the field with the big guns doing the real deal and finishing up my training. The last three weeks have been interesting ones as we've moved into automated gunnery and I've been nominated the assitant platoon guide for 7th platoon putting 50 guys under me. Luckily this is my last week of student leadership and classroom training.

Geronimo

Being a history type junkie I am naturally drawn to learn the history of any fort I am put into. Forts are wonderful libraries of history in and of themselves but even more so with Fort Sill. Fort Sill has been around since the site was first staked in1869. It played a major roll in helping settle the west during the Indian Wars. Geronimo after having fought both Mexico and the United States for many years surrendered himself along with several other Apache warriors to the post commander of Fort Sill in 1894. He had free rain on Fort Sill and spent time traveling around with Pawnee Bills Wild West Show and visiting with Theodore Rosevelt during his innaguration. He later returned to Fort Sill and in 1909 died of Pneumonia. He's still buried here and I plan on making a visit to his gravesite and getting a picture before I head home.

Fort Sill also has a rich a history in not only calvary but in artillery as it is the artillery capital of the United States Army. Here we have the last horse drawn cannon with it's team of horses that all out rank me. I had the wonderful opportunity to see these guys preform during the Lawton rodeo. It was easy to see that they had this job down as they raced into and around the arena with cannon in tow. They quickly unhitched it and fired a blank from the 75mm world war 1 era brass cannon. The horses didn't even flinch. They quickly hitched up the cannon and the last three guys you see on there all ran and pullvaulted onto the caisson and raced back out of the arena. Alot of fun to witness.

Automic Annie: Large artillery piece used to fire automic
projectiles during the cold war

The weather is starting to cool down here a little bit now. Instead of it being 107 everyday it's now hitting 95 haha. I'm hoping that by next week when I hit the field that it'll be even cooler. I'm looking forward to finishing things up here and getting back to a normal life again even though that seems like such an odd concept after having had my life owned for the last 4 months. As much as I hate to say it I think just like Fort Benning, Georgia I am going to miss this place when it's all over. Despite all the crap here, Oaklahoma has offered me many wonderful little pearls in my time here. For one the sunrises, sunsets, and clouds. With extra humidity comes misery sure but with that you get some of the most beautiful fluffiest clouds I've ever seen. These clouds also lead to spectacular sunrises and sunsets. The lord has continued to take care of me and my wonderful family and I'm continually amazed by how much we are all blessed. I love you all and look forward to reading more of your wonderful blogs and seeing you all in a few weeks.

Can't take the most moving pictures with a cell phone but it'll give you an idea.

A delayed return

1-378th Infantry Regiment 

Panthers

Exhibit at the world class National Infantry Museum at Fort Benning. 

Absolutely loved that museum

Finally getting a chance to get back on here and reconnect with the rest of the family and update Y'ALL in mass to what i'm up to and what's happening. I'm starting my 3rd week of AIT (advanced Individual training) here in Fort Sill, Oaklahoma. Now that I'm in training and working towards something I'm much happier than that first week of just detail without being classed yet. Working towards nothing was so depressing. There are guys here that have been here since January for one reason or another but typically because of their own dumb decisions, who have

Me packing up to leave Benning

been on straight detail week after week for months. Don't know how they do it. Play alot of video games I guess. I've had my first two of seven tests already and I'm fixing to have my third this Wednesday. So far I've gotten 100% and 96.25% so I'm in good shape for my gpa here and for graduating on time. The material has been engaging and it's really interesting to be learning what it takes to throw a 100lbs projectile 25miles and put it within a 10meter radius of a target. Finally math can be fun and interesting! I'm happy to be out of the 105+ temp Ive been experiencing since I left sweet home Utah. Being a Field Artillery Automated Tactical Data Systems Specialist means that I'm the brains of the field artillery and do all the calculations that gets relayed to the gunline and furthermore means that I sit at a plotting table in A/C the whole time. I'm hoping to be done here soon but I've been enjoying my experience too. The only bad part is being away from the family and missing out on all the fun that you guys get to have back home.
                                                                                                                                                        

Stone

All the toys I got to play with in basic

Now that I'm finally out of basic training I actually miss it and all the things that we got to do. It was good in many aspects spiritually being not the least of them. Being put into such a situation as basic training really brings an individual in touch with what they really believe. It was good to see so many guys become religious and pickup bibles and start reading them for the first time in their lives. For me it was a great opportunity to get close to the lord and improve my prayers and opportunities for service. The lord has taken good care of me as well providing me with good battle buddies like Jared Stone from Tooele. What were the chances that the I'd get put together with another mormon guy as my battle buddy. Even the drill Sgt's and other soldiers marveled at those odds and suspected some sort of divine intervention. We were able to help keep each other sane and make the whole experience more enjoyable. It was good knowing  there was a worthy priesthood holder right by my side the whole time. The lord is aware of me and has made it so that I could grow where ever I am planted. Even now I have two good battle buddies, who although aren't religious men, respect my beliefs greatly and take good care of me. Not all things can always be a bed of roses though, as I was wisely told by drill Sgt's in the beginning there are going to be good days and bad days in the military. That statement has been as true here as it would have been in the civilian world. Only problem here is that you can't just get up and walk away from this choice. It tends to be a little permanent and the man doesn't like you walking out on him once you've made a commitment. Whether I've made a smart decision or necessarily the right one...remains to be seen I guess. I still consider that question everyday, wondering if what i'm doing is the right thing for my life, or was I just out of good ideas when I made this choice? Time will tell as it always does, but I sure wish I knew all the awnsers. As I stand now I'm content with my decision and waiting to see what the military holds for me once I'm no longer an IET(Initial Entry Training) student and I get to be treated a little more on par with other human beings. I love all of you guys very much and hope life is treating you as well as it has treated me. Now that I'm off lockdown I'll be able to stay in better communication with all of you back home and abroad. My love and best wishes.

PFC Sean Douglas Sullivan

 
                                                    

Me in the National Infantry Museum on family day, they have alot of great volunteers and war vets that come out to put on displays in the museum.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Huzzah!

Haven't posted one of these in a month now! Figured I'd better rush and get up what I could before I left. The title has nothing to do with the content of this blog other than I just wanted to say Huzzah! Things here in logan have been crazy busy as is to be expected with someone who has to jump the gun on all of his finals 2 weeks early. It isn't alot of fun and I don't reccomend it but it will pay off down the road getting me back here just in time for school, which starts on the 30th of August, if all goes well or as planned. But things always have a way of working out for the best even though it's not always what we have planned. I finished my last day at extreme computers on thursday and I was able to have a good talk with Aaron(one of the co-owners). He asked when I would be getting back and let me know that they would have my job waiting for me and would love to have me again when I got back. The lord has gone well out of  his way to bless me in so many ways with how things always seem to work out...even if it's at the last minute. Always reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from President Hinckley:

 "It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us." 

I always remember that quote when things start to get a little dicey and it generally helps to bring me down a few notches on the stress factor.

From school I basically go straight to basic training. I'll be reporting to the Radisson at 6pm on wednesday where I'll be briefed and early the next morning I'll be getting the rest of my processing done at MEPS and then it's off to Georgia. I'm nervous, excited, anxious and pre-homesick all at the same time. It'll be tough giving up a summer without the fam and friends but I think it'll all be worth it in the end. Despite my emotions I look forward to this great adventure. Just short of a month ago I was called to be the elders quorum second counselor again except a different ward. They new that I wouldn't be any good to them before I left but insist on holding the position for me until I get back. Guess I'm a special case to them here. Also had a great oppourtunity to meet with the bishop today to go over things with basic one last time. For those of you who don't know my bishop was a chaplains assistant in the national guard and had some opportunities to deploy and serve around the world and in Iraq. He has had a number of great missionary experiences during his service time. So he is able to offer alot of great insight as someone LDS in the military. He really is a great man and appreciate what he has done for me. He gave me a dvd entitled "let not your heart be troubled" a great little film made by the church to offer some sage advice and instructions about saints in the military service. I felt it a great little video which he was generous enough to give to me.

Russel being the good horse that i've trained him to be in the back ground just content to stand there while I worked with dolly a bit

Yesterday I was lucky enough to also go horseback riding with a good friend Andy from up here in logan. Saturday was the perfect day to get out and enjoy some nature with the horses and forget about my problems. It was a perfect ride without any issues and proved alot of fun.  

Andy and Dolly with Dolly not really being able to enjoy herself because she was to tired or at least acted like we were trying to kill her.

Tomorrow is my last day and all my finals go down as well as my world trade organization debate. I'm looking forward to finally being done with this semester and not having to worry so much about what i'm going to be when I grow up.

Theme: What I did for my spring break

Had to take a chance before classes started here and compose a little of what's been happening in life over the past two weeks. As most all of you know I recently had my spring break and mom and dad planned a trip for me to go down to New Mexico to see family and interview LH about his experience in Korea and some of his history. It was the best spring break to day even though I havn't ever enjoyed to many due to the fact that I generally take advantage of them to just do extra work. It was a great trip and everytime we travel through moab to ship rock I'm always amazed at the beauty of that this not so green part of earth has to offer. We got

                                 





LH and Jeans baby Rusty the cat keeping on eye on it's bunny out the window who helps keep the lawn mowed for them.

to spend the first night in Gallup and while unloading the car out in the parking lot of the Ramada Inn sure enough I was accosted by a drunk Navajo. Awwww the joys of New Mexico! I assure you that none of my peers who were enjoying their spring breaks on cruises in the Carribbean or on sunny beaches somewhere warm could say that they were accosted by a drunk indian. Had the opportunity there to see lots of family there in Gallup and have a good time before we moved on to Silvercity. Arriving in Silvercity we got to meet up with Chuck and see his outrageously large and custome house which was very very nice but to much. There we got to meet up with LH and Jean and I just ended up going home with them. I hadn't had a chance to see their new home yet so I laughed when Jean stated that it was the last one behind Hamilton Construction with concentina wire.

LH and Jeans wonderful house

The best part was that they weren't joking! Gate, concentina wire and complete fenced in perimeter! A white supremistists dream home almost! All except for the cute landscaping features, gardens, and windchimes that LH has put up around the house. LH didn't actually put up the fence though come to find out, it came included with the property since his house is actually inside the Hamilton Construction fence line.

I was nervous at first on how to proceed with LH and getting the interview started. I didn't want to come across like a jerk just wanting an interview. Luckily once me and LH started into talking about guns the ice was completely broken. I got to show him my Kahr 9mm(a Utah CCW liscense is good for New Mexico too) and pictures of my Beretta carbine and he showed me all of his and told me of his recent exploits with his mossberg 500 shotgun against a fox, a skunk, and a pack of wild dogs roaming the neighborhood. I have to laugh because he reminds alot of the Garth and Hub from second hand lions.

During my stay with LH and Jean I was treated like royalty everyday. They fed me non-stop and made sure I had no wants. Jean even made me a corn bag and heated it up everynight and put it in my bed! Mom's probably rolling her eyes right now thinking of the amount of enabling they did to me while I was down there. Like I said the best spring break ever! I got to spend alot of time with LH, Jean, and even Spencer. I had a great time asking LH questions about his history and learning about who he was and how that has influenced who he is today.

LH on the right with is favorite boots and hat. This was during LH's first job search as a bull rider which ended prematurely due to a bad ride into a fence that helped LH decide that bulls were much larger than him and therefore could do alot more damage than he originally thought they could. Since they didn't have his size boot in basic he actually had to wear those cowboy boots in basic and had to march around in them all day until he his feet were swollen and he couldn't take them off. He used those boots until he wore them out in basic and got his combat boots. He really loved those boots.

LH on the left with good buddy in Korea

LH digging into the side of the hill

He had alot of great stories to tell about growing up and his life experiences. I guess this must be universal with geneology and researching history, but it seems the more you learn about someones life and the experiences that made them who they are the more you want to learn. Recording a small part of LH's history was wonderful and fulfilling...but in all truth it's not enough. I'm not satisfied with the 2-3hours of history that I got. I want to know more and get it all every last detail, but that I know is an unrealistic desire. So it's strange to come back from my spring break and feel somewhat unfullfilled. I feel like I've been reading through the first part of a good book but am unable to complete it at this time. It was tough to say goodbye and head back to Utah after having spent that much time and learned as much as I did. Again reading a good book you tend to relate to the main characters and grow attached to them. And when that book or series of books ends it's a tough break to say goodbye. Maybe I'm just crazy or maybe I just have to deal with some heavy seperation anxiety I dont know. 

But I guess I'll start trying to compile what I have and the next chance I get hopefully record some more history from LH. Thanks mom and dad for giving me that opportunity.

Not so Totally Awesome Computers

Well a new blog here is well overdue so I figured I had better get back on and update you on what's happened with me over the last few weeks. Here at the tail end of Februrary I had my first national guard drill in Ogden at the special forces facility there. First day we had our PT tests to see where we stood and where we needed to improve. I did pretty good in some of the tests and awesome in others. After that it was to the classrooms to educate ourselves on the fundamentals of military protocol and operating procedures. I had a alot of fun during the two days of drill there and especially relished all the pushups, the PT and marching we got to do. I've always wanted to be apart of a large formation that turns and moves in perfect unison. I suppose that is a strange dream to have for most normal people. But as far back as I can remember watching Star Wars I've always been enamored with scene from the throne room when luke, Han, and Chewy are getting their medals and the entire rebel congregation turns on cue and stomps their heels  in unison! I've always wanted to do that! So every time we move to attention and the heels of our boots click together and we stomp in unison it always makes me smile. I think I'm really going to like my military experience. 

From there It's just been back to school and trying to squeak by in calculus. Figures that the most universally used and important subject of the universe has to be my weak link. Needless to say the issue is in doubt. As for the other subjects of my higher education like economics, business managment, and dating are going well even though I'm increasingly more lazy with them.
                As most of you probably know by now I have a job up here at a computer store called Extreme Computers which sounds like a closely related cousin to the once great Dell Shanze: Totally Awesome Computers Empire that once flourished across the land. Luckily for me and Utah the owners of this small store are good men firmly anchored in reality. They were generous enough to bring me on as a beginning tech to help out and learn the trade in their repair room as the tide of blue screens of death and totally jacked-up computers has increased beyond the small stores capacity. So we actually have guys working nearly around the clock to keep up with the influx of computers. This came at a time when I desperately needed to find a job. The lord has provided for me yet again and then some. This is a dream job for me as I get to work as many hours as I like in a great environment and learn how to fix computers and the common issues that they face. Kind of like working on cars but not as dirty;) A skill that will be useful for the rest of my life.

luckily I don't work for that

This weekend I had a chance to go home and spend a little bit of saturday night and sunday with mom, dad, cooper and smudge. It's always so wonderful to go home after being away for a little while. I love home and I love those that make it what it is. Even though it is kind of like the Hogget farm from Babe at times with chickens that lay golf balls, A dog that eats tail lights-N-rosebuds, 

 and a cat that thinks it is just another fixture of the household. It's a wonderful place made extra wonderful by those who call it home. Mom, Dad, and I watched Joe Versus the Volcano and got to have dinner together. What a wonderful blessing that was for me. Next week I'm looking forward to spending my spring break with them down in New Mexico interviewing LH and visiting with family down there. If anyone has any good ideas for questions to ask about his life as well as his experiences in Korea please post them and I'll include them in my list of questions to ask. For me personally I know very little of LH and his history.

He's always had a soft spot in his heart for me and casey and choking back tears has let me know on several occasions how much he loves me and casey. I'm glad that he is willing to share his history with not just me but all of us and our posterity. I'm really looking forward to this trip and getting to spend time with one of my heros and record his history. So any extra input from my wiser and more learned siblings and loved ones will be greatly appreciated.