With the heart ache and the dispairing feelings that I may never find love there has been a silver lining. This trouble has forced me to reflect on who I am and where i'm at with my life. It's forced me dig deep into myself and go to the source of comfort that I believe in. Not since my mission 10 years ago have I felt the overwhelming drive to rely entirely on the lord and turn it all over to him. I feel like I need a miracle in my life to get over this deep melancholy I find myself in as well as to be able to find a wife that I can love with everything. I've been attending the temple a couple of times a week and fasting everyweek looking for comfort, peace, and direction. The Lord has not abandoned me and i'm immensly grateful for that. It was in the temple this past week grasping for anything from my Father in Heaven when I got the profound impression that I needed to change a lot of things in my life. Honestly at this time in my life I feel so desperate for a direction that I'm willing to give up anything in order to get the break that I need and that's what I considered when I was impressed that it was time for me to give up video games.
Anyone who knows me will know how much I love to play video games and how large the portion of my life they impact. I imagine me giving up video games will be something nearly akin to having dad give up horses, or at least that's how big I feel this is for me.
Having this impression as strong as I did I decided to see it through and made a covenant with the Lord that if I was to give these all up that he would grant me the miracle of a wife. This may seem like a joke to many but for me I feel like I'm putting an equal sacrifice on the alter to give up what I want now for what I desire more than anything else in the world. This with increased temple attendance, fasting, prayer, and scripture study is what I feel I need to do. Like I mentioned before not since my mission have I felt such a drive to align my life with God. And I guess it's the pain and humility of a broken heart that I have to thank for being the catalyst in helping turn my life to the lord.
Miserable though I am I feel like at least the lord has given me a purpose and job...so that I can occupy and improve myself as I wait for that one miracle. In this pain there is also a minor under current of peace flowing along in knowing that I'm doing the best that I can and the rest is just going to have to be on the Lord.
Go with your impression. I'm sorry about the pain. You're not the first or the last experience heart break/ache - but the Savior KNOWS perfectly. Good choice to rely on him. I love you Sean.
ReplyDeleteWe think this is all pretty postive Sean. We hurt with you, but also see that no pain, no gain sometimes. Hang in there, it will all work out. And of course you know we love you. It does get easier. We are so proud of you. Mom and Dad
ReplyDeleteI agree with Angie. The Lord gave you that impression for a reason, and it's tailor-made just for you. Also, I know from experience, that the Lord will support you in more ways than you'll be able to count. You can't always get what you want (when exactly you want it), "but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." Love you so much Sean!
ReplyDeleteCasey and I read your blog at your parents house last night. I was thinking about it when I opened the scriptures last night.
ReplyDelete"Verily I say unto you my friend, let your heart be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks; waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of the Sabbath, and are recorded with this seal and testament--the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted. Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord." (D&C 98:1-3)
Your future wife will appreciate the extra time that you have to give since you ditched the video games. :) Every sacrifice brings a blessing and a strengthening. We love you Sean and know that the Lord has good things in store for you.