Giving up and trying to move on

So I see that it's been awhile since I last posted anything on here, but at this time I do feel so inclined to share what's going on in my life right now. I'm currently struggeling with the dating scene and what an unpleasant experience that is. I've recently broken things off with Anna and have rejoined the ranks of return missionaries who are single and way to old for anyones good. I really would like to say that she could have been what I was looking for and that I was in love with her but such was not the case. Sadley my heart was stuck in other places and I just could not become interested in Anna beyond just a pleasant friend despite all of the wonderful qualities that she possessed. There were a few red flags though on top of my failing interest and I felt it better to end things now rather than prolong the pain. So here am I still heart broken from Brooke and feeling miserable that I had to hurt Anna, I wish I could be somebody else at this time or have the answers.

With the heart ache and the dispairing feelings that I may never find love there has been a silver lining. This trouble has forced me to reflect on who I am and where i'm at with my life. It's forced me dig deep into myself and go to the source of comfort that I believe in. Not since my mission 10 years ago have I felt the overwhelming drive to rely entirely on the lord and turn it all over to him. I feel like I need a miracle in my life to get over this deep melancholy I find myself in as well as to be able to find a wife that I can love with everything. I've been attending the temple a couple of times a week and fasting everyweek looking for comfort, peace, and direction. The Lord has not abandoned me and i'm immensly grateful for that. It was in the temple this past week grasping for anything from my Father in Heaven when I got the profound impression that I needed to change a lot of things in my life. Honestly at this time in my life I feel so desperate for a direction that I'm willing to give up anything in order to get the break that I need and that's what I considered when I was impressed that it was time for me to give up video games.

Anyone who knows me will know how much I love to play video games and how large the portion of my life they impact. I imagine me giving up video games will be something nearly akin to having dad give up horses, or at least that's how big I feel this is for me.

 Having this impression as strong as I did I decided to see it through and made a covenant with the Lord that if I was to give these all up that he would grant me the miracle of a wife. This may seem like a joke to many but for me I feel like I'm putting an equal sacrifice on the alter to give up what I want now for what I desire more than anything else in the world. This with increased temple attendance, fasting, prayer, and scripture study is what I feel I need to do. Like I mentioned before not since my mission have I felt such a drive to align my life with God. And I guess it's the pain and humility of a broken heart that I have to thank for being the catalyst in helping turn my life to the lord.

Miserable though I am I feel like at least the lord has given me a purpose and job...so that I can occupy and improve myself as I wait for that one miracle. In this pain there is also a minor under current of peace flowing along in knowing that I'm doing the best that I can and the rest is just going to have to be on the Lord.